The Minnesota Twins announced today that they have officially given up on the 2019 season with the signing of free agent left-handed pitcher Martin Perez to a one-year contract.

The Twins are paying Perez $3.5 million in 2019, thus proving once and for all that major league baseball teams do, indeed, have money to burn.

But Twins General Manager Thad Levine explained his reasoning: “Looking at our roster, we realized if we wanted to have a legitimate shot at the post-season, we were still a few players away.  Getting those players would have cost us a good ten- to twenty-million dollars more, resources we’d rather not spend. So, instead, we signed Perez for $3.5 million. It was a small price to pay to save the countless millions more we would have spent, which still wouldn’t have guaranteed us a playoff slot.”

Perez has a career ERA of 4.63 and is coming off a career-worst walk rate, home run rate, and ERA. He is known for coaxing a high number of double plays, ironically called twin killings, since he is also known for allowing an extremely high number of baserunners.

The New York Mets were also interested in Perez, but pulled out when it was brought to their attention that they actually had a legitimate chance to make the playoffs.