How not to do it.

“Okay, everybody, welcome to the annual winter auction. You know what to do. Our first item up for bid is this exquisite Chinese Ming Dynasty vase. Our opening bid for this rare find is three-hundred thousand dollars. Do I hear three-hundred-and-one?

“Five hundred!”

“The gentleman in the baby blue cap with a T on it bids five-hundred thousand dollars”

“No, five-hundred dollars!”

“Uh, the opening bid was three-hundred thousand dollars. You can’t bid five-hundred dollars. You have to go up.”

“Four-hundred eighty-one dollars!”

“Uhhh, Mr…(looking at his nametag), Mr. ahhhh Daniels, do you even know how an auction works?”

“Yes, I’ve lost plenty of them. Four-hundred dollars even! And that’s my final offer.”

“No, you go up. Not down. Up. As in higher. Someone names an opening price and everybody shouts out a bid that is more. The bidding opened at three-hundred thousand dollars. If you want this vase, you need to pay more than that.”

“Three-hundred eighty dollars! And that’s my final final offer.”

“You don’t seem to get the general concept of this, do you?

“Of course I do, I’m a general manager. Two-hundred-thirty dollars! That’s my absolute final final offer.”

“Forget it. Let’s move on to our next item up for bid. This exclusive, premium quality third baseman. Its previous owner from Washington set the opening price at seven years and two-hundred fifteen million dollars. Do I hear two-hundred sixteen million?”

“Six years, two hundred million! Don’t make me go lower!!!”